Silly me

She kneeled in front of her fears. She sat on the cold sand, realizing she had been running from herself.

-         Why? Why? She started crying

-         Because you don’t know who you are….a voice said.

She turned around and fainted at the site…

 

Was she really flying? No, wait, the wind was carrying her! Yes, she was on a small, white cloud. Where was it taking her? She couldn’t say where she was or for how long she had been moving like that. They seemed to pass continents, seas and mountains.

-         Where are we going? She yelled, but no one answered.

Then, the cloud disspeared from underneath her, and she started falling. But amazingly, she didn’t feel scared. She knew she wouldn’t hit the ground. Something else scared her: Where am I?

Finally, she spotted a small city underneath. This can’t be!

Yes, it was really her home city!

-         God, I haven’t been here for ages! I wonder how things are around here right now!

She started walking down the street. Things looked just the way she had left them, 15 years ago. She passed the people she used to know, but they didn’t seem to recognize her at all. Somehow, her steps took her to a small, white and green house.

-         Wait a minute, this can’t be! They sold the house, it must have looked different by now! But still, that’s my bike, and the swing,and…no, no, this can’t be! She was looking at a puppy, white and brown, so small that he was almost impossible to spot. What is this? No! Manny, no! I barried you 5 years ago! Manny, you died! She entered the yard, and headed towards the small dog. But he didn’t seem to recognize her either, as he started barking!

She was trembling. She could barely walk.Easily, she approached the house and entered. She could hear screamings from inside. A men and a women were yelling downstairs, while a girl, she must have been around 15, was sitting on the stairs.

She looked at her almost petrified. She understood now, but how was this possible?

-         Why are you here now? The girl asked her. Why weren’t you here when you should have been?

-         What do you mean? She didn’t understand anything anymore.

-         They are arguing because of you, they will brake up, you will run away from home, and your poor mother will kill herself.

-         Who are you? Cathy tried to make her voice not seem desperate.

-         I am you, 15 years ago, only I know who I am. Do you know who you are?

Her look had remorsely any life left in it. If she knew herself! Of course she didn’t! She had ran away from home when she was 15, because her widow mother wanted to marry a new man she couldn’t stand. Who could ever replace her dad? She loved him so much! He was her best friend, he always told her to be careful at everything around her: “You can’t live on your own, you are not the only one around! But before you start exploring the world, make sure you know yourself, or else you will get caught up in the middle and you will lose controll!”. She was 11 when he died. He was an engineer, and died falling down from an electricity pillar, while trying to fix some wires. She was big enough to understand the tragedy. But then, 2 years later, her mother found someone else, and soon, they started talking about marriage. She tried her best to make the guy lose interest in the idea, but she lost track of it, and once she faked some photos figuring him, kissing someone else than her mother. She e-mailed the photos to her mum, anonymously of course, and that’s how the scandal started. The 2 broke up, but her mother was not the same anymore. She didn’t even notice the girl around the house anymore, so the girl couldn’t take it anymore and ran away from home.

But now she was here again. But why?
      -    Why I am here? She asked the girl on the stairs. What am I doing here?

-         Didn’t you want to be here again?

-         Me… I..

-         Didn’t you want to know yourself? Here I am! I am your inner self!

-         I don’t understand!

-         I brought you here with a purpose! I am trying to fight with you, trying to make you understanf your mistakes! I brought you here today hoping you will fix things up!

-         But I… this can’t happen! She was a pshychologist now. And she could almost see, flashing before her eyes, all the times she tried to make people listen to their inner selves. She chose this job hoping it would help her learn more about herself. But all she did wa realize how far away from herself she was, how hard it was for her to talk about herself. I don’t know me, so I don’t know you! So, how could I understand why I am here? She yelled at the girl that threw her a nervous glance.

-         My dear, everybody knoes who they are, one way or another! It’s all in you, waiting for you to open a door!

She thought that the girl’s voice sounded like an old man’s, tired and trembling, but still warm, and willing to teach her all it could. Was her inner-selg getting old?

-         Yes, I am, the girl answered. You tried to hide me somewhere inside of you for so long, that I got tired from trying to keep myseld up! I can’t keep on hearing weary thoughts, listening to your feares and screamings, I need a smile!

She was confused. A smile? How could she smile? She dedicated her life to other people, and making them feel better made her happy, but how could she smile? All she always wanted was to be constantly surrounded by people, always in big groups, where gossips could distract her attention. She feared loneliness. When she was alone, all her thoughts come back to her, memories of her past, and no matter how hard she tried to get rid of them, they always came back. But even when going out with those she called her friends, she was still alone. She didn’t want them to know her, all she wanted was for them to keep her mind busy. How could she smile?

-         What do I have to do? Her voice sounded like an echo inside her mind.

The noise of a glass breaking in the living room seemed to wake her up. And, suddenly, she knew; she reaise her glace, wanting to tell the girl she had understood, but the girl wasn’t there anymore.

With nothing else on her mind, she entered the living room, when the 2 adults stopped when they saw her. For a second, her face froze. She didn’t know how to explain that she was their girl, only 15 years later. But then she realized she wasn’t 30 anymore, she was 15 again. It was all coming back, her own self had given her another chance.

-         I did it, I did it! She started yelling. And with tears in her eyes she explained them everything about the photos. The 2 listened to her, and then her mother hugged her. And she smiled…..

 

She was getting back on her senses. She could sense the salty wind blowing her hair, and the sand underneath her. She opened her eyes and saw her father lookinh at her with a satisfied smile upon her face.

-         I did it, dad, I did it! I cleared things up, they are happy now!

-         Who are you, sweety?

-         I am me, dad, the young girl on the stairs!

The wind started blowing powerfully, and she got sand in her eyes. When she opened them again, her father was gone. But she didn’t look for him, she knew she wouldn’t find him.

She got up on her feet, and decided to take her life from the very beginning all over again.

-         Only this time, I won’t run at all, she said to herself.