Inca unul

Adica un motiv pentru care viata e frumoasa. Un motiv sa te trezesti dimineata. Sa scrii, sa visezi, sa existi. Un motiv pentru care merita sa traiesti…
… pentru ca exista iubire eterna. Si nimeni si nimic nu o poate face inexistenta.

some little about some not so little

yes, i got the impulse of writing here. to you and to me.
this is our book and, so far, it has really few pages.
what happened to all the plans, the dreams, the ambitions?

this should never end.
you.
and me.
we don’t want it to end yet we realize there’s little chance of things happening any other way.

yet…

i’ve decided to make a list. here. of what i’ve done wrong. everything that comes to mind. everything i’ve wronged towards you.

i still can’t believe how we exist. even through all the bullshit and nonsense, through all the crap we’ve been through, and most especially you’ve been through, there’s still something there. something not so little, which i’ll write very little about.

m-am schimbat si-am negat asta. inclusiv fata de mine. dar cel mai rau a fost ca am facut-o fata de tine.
da, poate ca n-aveam cum sa nu ma schimb. it was a different world. a world where i am much more by myself. and just these days someone told me how important it is to be self sufficient. okay. it certainly sounds important. but i didn’t feel that way last year, when i needed you, more than anything else, and needed friends, too.
i can’t talk about nothings with hollow people. i’m not hollow. not shallow. you words are engraved in my head. and your face, on thursday night when i finally admitted i’ve change, is something i’ll never forget. i couldn’t believe how tragic that was for you. my admission was, in a way, not the biggest thing in the world. i haven’t changed so much. most of the changes had to do with growing up. with a tougher, lonelier life. i still missed you. our warmth, our love, our wonderful way of communicating with each other. i still think we can do that, someway.

m-am enervat de multe ori pe tine si ce incercai sa faci desi era vina mea. puteam, de cele mai multe ori, sa-ti comunic. caring, lovingly, ar fi fost mult mai frumos.

m-am luat de tine fara sa fie vina ta de nesfarsite ori. fie ai tai, fie tu sensibila, fie prieteni, catei, pisici. orice.

nu te-am oprit, nu te-am luat in brate sa-ti zic: hai, iubito, sa stam de vorba cateva ore despre noi, sa incercam sa marturisim tot ce s-a intamplat in ultimul an.
nu m-am deschis tie atat de mult si de des ca inainte. desi, intr-adevar, cum as fi putut si eu la tine, ai fi putut si tu la mine intra de oricate ori. ai incercat si nu te-am lasat. am fost inchis. tensionat. zapacit. dezorganizat. in loc sa fac cate-o chestie incercam sa fac 10.

am fost irealist, credeam ca pot face mii si mii de chestii intr-o vacanta atat de lunga. m-am inselat. de fapt, trebuia sa fac un singur lucru, dar bine, si restul… cand ar fi-ncaput.
ma simteam amenintat, sub presiune, desi aproape singur mi-am creat toata aceasta stare. intr-adevar, nu mai voiam sa te ranesc, si voiam sa te vad cu totul, in fiecare zi, si noaptea daca ar fi fost posibil. si in acelasi timp voiam sa-ma-mpart. si nu trebuia. daca eram doar al tau la inceput as fi rezolvat mult mai mult. si n-as mai fi fost atunci atat de grabit sa implinesc atatea. n-am fost calm. am uitat cat de mult facea asta parte din mine. m-am transformat in ceva mult mai impulsiv si mai suparator. si pentru ce? doar pentru ca nu reuseam sa scot asta din mine, senzatia ca nu fac ce trebuie – and there were piles and piles of anger and despair. stupid, indeed.
si-apoi cum m-am purtat. de cate ori. ca ne-am certat de-atatea ori. cand te-ai intors dupa ce-ai fost plecata, eram si mai rau. si dupa ce ne-am despartit, am inceput. dar cu pasi mici. pasi ce inca se desfasoara.
si acum, cand ma gandesc la tine, cand ma apropii de tine, simt cum pierd ceva din mine. si asta e doar din vina mea, pentru ca nu tu ma faci sa ma pierd. frica, anxietatea, cele de care-mi spuneai si tu. pentru ca nu e pasnic. nu e calm. nu e acea dragoste gingasa de care avem nevoie. si vreau sa ti-o ofer, o, cat vreau sa ti-o ofer. si vreau sa o primesc. sa te bat pe umar, sa te cuprind si sa te privesc linistit. apoi sa incepem sa vorbim, lent, cu rabdare, ca si cum nimic nu ne grabeste.

iti poti imagina oare pentru o clipa ca ne-am putea petrece tot restul vietii impreuna? si daca da, nu poti sa-ti spui cat de putin inseamna acest an, in care zi de zi putem sa ne cunoastem, sa ne recunoastem, fara nicio graba, ca si cum ar fi ceva firesc?
unde ne grabim? daca chiar vrem o viata-ntreaga impreuna, there is no rush. we are so young. let’s live. let’s talk. let’s admit everything.

sunt clipe cand chiar imi dau seama ca n-am pentru ce sa te acuz. nu am. ai fost mai mult decat as fi putut cere.
si nebuniile mele, explodarile, inhibarile, crisparile, mi le acuz. si-apoi incerc sa-nvat din ele. stiu, mi-as dori sa se intample totul peste noapte. dar uite ca nu se poate. si-atunci traiesc zi de zi asa cum simt, asa cum mi se intampla si fac sa se intample.

inca o greseala. scrisoarea. as fi putut fi mult mai cald in ea. dar in acel moment asa eram. ti-am scris-o prea devreme.
chiar cred ca sunt pe drumul cel bun. si n-am sa fiu orgolios sa spun ca nu am facut greseli. am facut, astea de-aici (la care poate voi mai scrie), si multe, multe altele. si voi mai face. drumul, de-acum, e presarat cu greseli. obstacole peste care trebuie sa trec. in calea spre mine. spre liniste. sa ma simt in sfarsit eu.
reluarea legaturii cu tine de ieri m-a tulburat enorm. nu mi-a venit sa cred. si totusi nu am refuzat-o. si nu am s-o refuz. poate ca nu voi scrie-atat de des, nu la inceput, din dorinta de-a-mi reveni, de-a ma linisti. insa, cu timpul, ma voi putea deschide iar. si sper ca si tu.

nu mai am de ce sa te explodez. cu ce? nu sunt gata. de ce sa nu recunosc? sunt fragil. e foarte posibil sa fac tampenii. si-am sa ma bucur ca nu ti le voi face tie. vreau sa fii fericita.
si, la urma urmei, cu-acea dorinta izvorata de undeva unde credeam ca totul a ars, l-as bate pe umar pe cel care-ar avea norocul sa te iubeasca dupa mine. pentru ca stiu ca stii sa iubesti. si daca el te poate face fericita, il vreau langa tine. oricat m-ar durea. oricat mi-as dori sa fiu in locul lui. nu sunt gata. it takes time.

am gresit atunci cand ti-am promis atatea. ne-am lasat dusi de val. si totul a pornit de la imensa dragoste ce-o simtim unul pentru altul. am fost un prost, ca n-am stiut s-o tin in frau. asa e, vreau sa ma casatoresc cu tine. sa-mi petrec toata viata cu tine, dar, dincolo de asta, n-ar fi trebuit sa ne promitem atatea, sa ne cerem atatea, sa visam atatea… ci sa traim, cu ce avem, sa facem de pe-o zi pe alta totul. si-asa si facusem, sau incercasem. dar lipsea ceva pentru ca noi aveam senzatia ca lipseste ceva si nu stiam cum sa facem sa nu mai lipseasca. si-atunci au inceput sa apara lipsurile.
stiu ca folosesc “noi”. nu e vina ta. poate a mea. poate nici a mea.

contezi mult pentru mine. mi-au dat lacrimile de prea multe ori si credeam ca nu mai pot plange. pentru tine. dar acum am facut-o. si nu-mi pare rau. peste cateva ore voi zambi. de ce nu? it’s life. it goes on.

as vrea sa pot sa stau si sa ma privesc ca pe-o biblioteca. sa am carti de zi cu zi si carti de-o viata. carti de luni, ani, etc. tu esti carte de-o viata. vei sta acolo in biblioteca si te voi scoate doar cand biblioteca ma va lasa. in rest, esti acolo. te simt acolo. te vreau acolo. esti, intr-un fel, viata mea. esti printre putinele carti de-o viata din biblioteca mea. mama, tata, fratele. ei mai sunt carti de-o viata. eu, ambitiile mele, dorintele mele. carti cu eu. unele, vor fi carti de viata, dar nu pot sti de pe-acum.
te pretuiesc. acum ca suntem atat de departe, nu te pot scoate din biblioteca prea des, desi, in sinea mea, mi-as dori sa te tin tot timpul in brate. sa dorm astfel cu tine, deschisa la paginile aurii. paginile de suflet.
dar nu te pot scoate de acolo. insa nici nu te pot sterge. nu poti disparea. pot scoate alte carti, citi, pune la loc. pot aduce carti noi, pot sa-mi cumpar oricate vreau. pot sa-mi fac o biblioteca imensa, dar oricat de mult as ocupa din ea, tu vei straluci mereu. sunt carti pe care le pot pune la loc in biblioteca si lasa acolo, uita de ele. nu esti printre ele. sunt carti pe care le citesc o data si nu mai vrau sa le citesc in veci. nu esti printre ele. sunt carti pe care le traiesc cu pasiune, le absorb si ma confund cu ele si-mi doresc sa ma elibereze de tot ceea ce am fost si sunt eu. dar si pe ele le pot pune inapoi in raft. oricat de mult ar fi din viata mea, oricine si orice, nimeni si nimic nu a atins vreodata raftul pe care te afli tu, carte de-o viata.
consider ca un om e norocos daca are macar o astfel de carte. eu te am pe tine. si n-am sa caut sa te mut de-acolo. e raftul tau.

am sa citesc si recitesc alte carti din mine, biblioteca, pana cand voi putea din nou sa te strang in brate. esti o carte mare. cu multe pagini aurii, pagini de suflet.
iar biblioteca mea are nevoie de un geam mai luminos. unul care sa-mi permita sa te citesc asa cum trebuie. la asta lucrez. si nu stiu cat va dura. stiu doar ca, intre timp, traiesc cu si fara tine. as vrea sa faci si tu la fel, dar, in clipa asta, chiar nu conteaza ce vreau eu. intelegi? tot ce conteaza e ce-ti doresti tu. fa si tu acelasi lucru. cauta-ti biblioteca. lumineaz-o. si daca ma voi afla pe-acelasi raft pe care te afli si tu la mine, ia-ma de cotor si citeste-ma. suntem carti mari.
nu pot termina o carte asa frumoasa atat de repede. citesc cateva pagini din tine in fiecare zi, dar foarte putin. si citesc si alte carti. si, candva, voi putea sa te citesc mai mult. mult mai mult. voi putea sa nu te mai pun la loc in biblioteca.

dar esti acolo. vei fi mereu. si, in acest moment, asta imi da viata.
sunt o biblioteca. dar si o carte.
traiesc din carti. traiesc din oameni. traiesc din ce sunt.

oare poti intelege ce-am vrut sa spun? cat e de rece si de cald, in acelasi timp, cat e de plans si de ras?
nu vreau sa te coplesesc. nu vreau sa te posed. vreau sa fii libera. sa fii tu. sa vrei tu sa ma citesti.
si-am sa-ncep sa-ti povestesc ganduri. sa ma citesc pentru tine. ca-n notebook – citesc din jurnal. si-atunci cand vei putea, iti vei aminti. cu timpul. be patient. be calm. let it flow. don’t exhaust yourself. i’ll shut up when it’s too much.

and right now it is.
bittersweet
enjoy the reading!

wordless

M-am ridicat si am cazut.

Am plans si-am ras de mii de ori.

0q2euawkd;as

Am ramas si fara cuvinte.
De fapt, cuvantul s-a pierdut. Cand poate-ar fi de dorit, cand cauti sa-l apari din spatele neuronilor plini de emotie, unde-i cuvantul?

aajida209e
degetele nu vor sa asculte si pana si ce nu e cuvant pare a fi cuvant.

Cuvantul s-a dus ca un fulg si te-a lasat dezbracat in fata… ei.

Clipele se apropie si se ingramadesc toate si gandurile fug, fug departe spre undeva unde nimic nu le atinge. NU! Nu vor sa fie, nu vor sa fie parte acum, dar oare pot sa scape?
Cand clipele se apropie si timpul se ingramadeste si nu mai vrea sa faca loc gandurilor sa scape, si trairile se raspandesc si dezorientarea nu mai stie nici ea in ce parte sa priveasca, visele sunt cosmaruri si paradisul e pe pamant intr-un loc pe care nu-l recunosti si nu l-ai mai vazut niciodata, dar in acelasi timp te afli intre toti si langa ea si pierzi esenta in tine, culegi flori mov cu gust amarui si puricei verzi care-ti zambesc cu ochisorii lor de nea, atunci incepi sa te intrebi daca mai e ceva ce poti sa faci.

Pare totul pierdut in esenta timpurie a clipei ce urmeaza, in viitorul inevitabil si de dorit si sperietor, se casatoresc doua persoane in doua clipe in acelasi loc. Dar de ce doua clipe, de ce nu doua locuri si o clipa? Pentru intrebare si raspuns: “do you?” “I do”, si-ti doresti sa ai ochii inchisi, sa nu fi intrebat decat dupa ce-ai primit raspunsul si sa poti privi atunci spunand: stiam ca asa are sa fie.

Te vei intoarce intr-o clipa si vei privi cu ochii umezi, stralucitori si caprui (am retinut) ca viata este de o previzibilitate total imprevizibila, si ca te cunosti dar iti place sa fii surprins(a), si chiar daca nu esti te gandesti inca o data si realizezi: te asteptai la ce nu te asteptai, aha! Surprins din nou!

Dar nu.
Clipa.
Nu poate fi prezisa.

a9joda-2aj2p
Cuvinte pentru ea nu exista.
Inventam acum!

Plimbare.
Vis.
Sarut.
Privire.
Speranta.
Teama.
Clipa.

Totul.
Atunci, totul.

Nimic.
Atunci, nimic.

Fara cuvinte.
…

Si gandesti infinit pe cele o mie de carari si te intrebi daca privirea ei si-a lui vor fi la fel, daca vei intrezari dincolo de timp si spatiu ceea ce cauti si speri cu atata ardoare sa gasesti. Si in acelasi timp o parte din tine se simte prizoniera si-si doreste sa fie dezamagita, cum explici asta? Ah dar esti fata. Ah dar esti baiat. Dar tu esti tu si asa ti se potriveste, intotdeauna confuzie, ganduri albe si negre, mov si roz, verzi si maro, caci in orice directie te indrepti calea se bifurca in saptezeci si niciodata nu se uneste la loc intr-una singura. Ah, daca ar fi atat de simplu! Si clipa vine si te gandesti dar nu te gandesti.

Si privesti si exprimi, detaliezi, si ce-ai aflat? Ai aflat ca stiai ce nu stiai si nu stiai ce stiai si inainte. In concluzie nimic nou dar ceva concret, si totusi nimic concret dar ceva nou. De ce atunci sa te mai chinuiesti si sa nu lasi totul deoparte fiind cine vrei sa fii si sperand ce vrei sa speri, asteptand, voind, cautand, timid(a), in viitor sau in prezent, sau in trecut. Unde traiesti? Mai conteaza? Stii cine esti? Mai conteaza?

Stim ce conteaza si asta am facut intr-un timp care pentru mine si pentru tine pare toata viata: ne-am petrecut-o impreuna. Si in loc sa spunem triumfator: da, eu, cred in iubire si pana in ultima clipa! Am dubii, lupt cu tot si nu sunt convins(a) ca am dreptate, dar sa mor io, cred! Pai ce! Cum adica! Sau poate nu cred, fac si eu pe grozavul, si merg cu inertia… sau poate cred ca vreau sa cred. Ah si iar dubii si iar ganduri…

Si dubii
Si cuvintele
q9ajdawod
se pierd din nou. De ce?

Pentru ca nu sunt deajuns. Nu au fost niciodata deajuns, dar au dus timpul. Au fost cuvinte care sa aline, sa indure, sa poarte povara si sa transmita macar o particica mica mica din interiorul infinit frumos al tau spre mine si al meu spre tine. Chiar si cu vocea ta la telefon e mai bine, si nu e la fel. Chiar si cu…

Ramane totul pe atunci. Ramane ca adevarul si realitatea se intalnesc intr-o clipa si dovedesc totul. Uimitor cum e nevoie de ceva atat de simplu si atat de … necesar.
Cuvintele? Pfff, ce sunt cuvintele.
haeiapedjwdals
Uite un cuvant. Inseamna oare la fel de mult ca o privire? Poate. Dar poate fi lipsit o viata intreaga de acea privire?
Nu, nu, nu, nu, nu, nu, nu!
cuvantul cere… cere si el ceva…
te cere pe tine, ma cere pe mine.

Cere doi si cere privire. Cere glas si cere ascultare. Cere ochi si chip pe care sa se-astearna. Vise si brate pe care sa le sarute. Clipe si frunze pe care sa le fosneasca. Batai, si inimi carora sa le ofere. Asta e. Cuvinte nu exista, dar isi fac oricum aparitia.
Cand calea e confuza si alb e galben si roz e pufariniu, si zbenguiala prin versuri de Vama veche, Pink si James Blunt si HIM, Sepultura si Slipknot, Loreena McKennitt, si poate multe altele care mai de care in contrast sau de zbierat, da, da, atunci cuvinte nu exista, dar isi fac oricum aparitia. Nevoie de o clipa alaturi exista, si doare, si totusi stii ca nu-ti face bine si stii ca nu te poti deschide iarasi.
Nu vei plange din nou dar te vei teme. Ca s-ar putea sa plangi, sa fugi, sa crapi, sa nu mai rezisti. Si clipa cand vei ceda o eviti cu orice pret pentru ca nu merita, pentru ca, ce merita, de fapt, se afla in acea clipa de viitor care cere tacere, nu cuvinte. Nu ce scriu eu aici.

Tacere.
Numai tacere. Si poate privire.
Poate sarut. Poate intalnire cu zambet, poate cu plans. Poate o poza, poate o noapte in parc nestiuti de nimeni. Poate ca viitorul va fi si el o data de partea noastra si va sta pe loc, ne va oferi ceea ce dorim si ne va lasa in pace,
asdhaweaidwha2diaj;sd…
ne putem intoarce inapoi la clipa din 11 august si apoi mai inapoi.
ajdsiadjwamz
Vom creste separat si vom invata
zzmdwiap
pentru ca apoi sa ne intalnim in acea clipa care sta pe loc si sa intelegem, sa stim – culmea, din nou – ca asta am asteptat toata viata si sa plangem
jipfema
pentru cei ani pe care i-am vrut separati si necunoscuti, straini. Sa nu mai fie nevoie sa inventam cuvinte.

Dar acum nimic nu conteaza.
Clipa.
Cuvintele.

Pointless.
Wordless.

Doar 2.
My all.

Ah, nu, nu vreau sa ma opresc asa curand. Nu voi tace! (sau tacea?)
Nuuuuuuu…
te voi privi de aici…
te vei gandi de aici…

dar amandoi stim si cunoastem ca e coplesitor. Oh, dar, vai, coplesitor e putin spus! Ce coplesitor? Super-mega-hiper-expo-coloso-coplesitor e putin spus…

si-atunci, ce ramane de facut?
…
wordless.

and some would say: that’s love, and I would smile and say: oh yes. it grows into you and with you, it hangs on, speaks to you and helps the one more than it helps you. we’re all fools because of it, yet fools without it. we’re all in love and sometimes all it asks for from two people is: patience, hope and faith. oh, but that’s nothing. they all come with love.

and they’ve all come to me thanks to you.

… you

or
even
better

…

[]

♥

Demult, tare demult…

Demult,
tare demult,
am iubit
o mica fata

E firesc
mi-a placut
era frumoasa
ca o floare de zapada.

Demult,
tare demult,
ea-mi daruia
multa iubire.

Si-un suflet
minunat
si curat
ca zapada cand se cerne

Era
viata mea
si se numea…
Liliana!

1. Am visat, am daruit, prima oara, a fost… cel dintai… TOT
2. Am visat, ne-am plimbat, am trait… am inceput…
3. … un dreamland. O poveste
4, 5, 6
7, 8, …
24. Ieri. Greu. Dar o poveste. O poveste fara sfarsit.
25. Azi. Azi cel cu tine, azi esti aici…
azi te simt, te cuprind toata, de sus pana jos, te cuprind si te simt. Sunt al tau si esti a mea.
Azi suntem imbratisati.
Azi e 25. Un sfert de secol, in luni. 762 de zile, cu tine…

http://www.timeanddate.com/date/durationresult.html?m1=03&d1=23&y1=2005&m2=04&d2=24&y2=2007

Demult am parasit meleagurile realului, acum ne aflam… unul in raiul celuilalt. Fiecare atingere, fiecare inceput, fiecare incheiere, fiecare clipa – totul e plin de tine. de mine. de noi. de iubire…
Si cele mai nesemnificative clipe sunt aici, si cele mai inutile cuvinte sunt pe foaia aceasta. Sunt aici. Si aici suntem si noi, unde cuvintele nu mai conteaza, caci dincolo de ele… se afla totul… ne aflam noi.

La multi ani, la multe luni. Astazi, poate ca-n oricare alta zi, dar cu siguranta diferit, iti dedic…

sufletul meu

you have my key.

te iubesc

The Story Of My Life

The story of my life:
I do wrong when I mean right.
The story of my life:
Always and forever fight

Believe in love
Have faith in you
And hope you can feel so too…
The story of my life… is you!

To say I’m sorry means not much,
But you know I care a bunch…
And the world is not the same,
Without you I lose my game

To say I’m sorry might mean crap,
But I’ll say it nonetheless.
Now this story will unwrap,
Without you I’m meaningless.

I’m sorry… that I ever left
For you it was like a theft
But whenever our love hurts
I remind you you’re the most.

I’m sorry… for the wrongs I’ve said
Even more the ones unsaid
So from now on, everyday
I will think of this and pray

I’m sorry… that I learn so hard
And so late I understand
Cause you’re perfect, I see
And you’re only meant for me.

I’m sorry, baby, please stop crying
Without you I feel I’m dying.
And, honey, I hope you see,
Your hurting also hurts me.

And I’ve never gone a day,
Without thinking, without pray,
That soon we will be together
Now, tomorrow… no! Forever…

I’m sorry I couldn’t see
How wonderful you’re… to me
I’m sorry I’ve lost my mind
And I know I can’t rewind.

But there’s one thing in the world
I’m not sorry I’ve unfurled:
My love for you is everywhere,
And today I’ll say it loud

And today I’ll sing it much,
So that our hearts will touch.
Sing it, baby, sing with me:
I’m in love, can’t you see?

I’m in love, can’t you see?
In as deep as one can be!
I’m in love, and loving you
Makes me happy, dear, not blue.

I’m in love, can’t you see?
Look at me and you’ll agree!
I’m in love with you, tonight
And I’ll be there, all the time.

I’m in love and sorry, too
Cause instead of loving you
I’ve lost it and now I’ve hurt
The one person in the world.

The one person that means much
Than my thought could ever touch
The one person, can’t you see?
One that means the world to me.

But this time, believe in me,
I will not force you to be,
You are free, for you are love,
And to you I’ll always belong.

And I’m stupid, and I’m bad,
And I know I suck at that
Seeing what I did to you
Made me realize: I do!

I do now and I will always
Fight for you and fight for us
For the love we share and treasure
For our love, hon, has no measure…

The story of my life
Begins and neverends with you
Know that I will fight
No matter what you do

The story of my life
Begins with us, and lasts forever
Know that I will fight
For me, for you, for us, together

You are my angel, and I know
That whenever I do wrong
I hurt my life, cause, can’t you see?
You’re actually the one protecting… me.

I suck at rhymes, of that I’m sure,
But I’ve wrote this without a blur
Of doubt that I will, for you
Do anything that I can do.

Cause baby, what you make me feel
Is more than I thought be for real
Is more than I could ever know
Is more than I could ever show

So now, today, tomorrow, and forever
I’m telling you my love will never
End until I die, because of you
And I will never say ‘adieu’.

I’ve lost my mind,
I’ve lost my words.
Sometimes I’m stupid and I’m bad, I’m sure.
But for you I’ll endure
Anything, anywhere, forever.

The story of my life, I say
Begins right now, not yesterday
Begins right now, when I see you
And know that truly, that’s a clue
Clue that we’re meant to be,
Now, tomorrow, and forever.

I’ll end this story with a smile
A smile because of you, a shine
A smile because I know, for real
True love for you is what I feel.

I’m in love, can’t you see?
You’re the one, the one for me…
I’m in love and I can’t doubt
That the riddle I just shout
Has it’s answer just in you,
In my love, baby, that’s true!

Liliana, if I may,
What I feel for you today
Is not this, or that, or so
It’s the love that only you and I know
The love we’ve had from that day on
The love we’ve lived even apart
The love that gets us through the worst,
Even with my stupid burst.

And I’ve hurt you, I can see,
But, hey, honey you are free,
You’re in love, in love with me.
And our love will last forever,

When I’m with you, time’s gone
And you and I feel like we’re done
The world is full, the world is us
The story of my life is thus…

Entitled: you are here

This is a piece of you that’s in me. This is the piece of paper that only I have, but it’s yours. Actually, cut out the ‘y’. It’s OURS!
Your story, to me. Ours.

“Feelings, empty words and things left unsaid. When will I be able to actually tell them what’s on my mind?
Empty words and hazardous feelings.

Souls glittering in the dark. Nothing but the easy breeze of the sea. It’s just me and the waves. The sand emerging from under the water, like this big gray blanket. It lifts me up, and drives me up to the moon. But the moon won’t take me anymore, saying I betrayed her.
- You’re just a travelling soul trapped inside a mortal’s body now. Where’s your innocence, where’s your truth? I see none of them with you! I guard the night, am I the lord of all dark things, I rule above this mistery underneath. But you, you promised to serve the dark forever! And what do I see? An opened heart, longing soul, glittering yes and distant look!
- You don’t understand, I didn’t know…
- Know what?
- That love can be this blind…
- Please, don’t come to me anymore. Your happiness has nothing to do here. Take her away from me, it burns away my insides. But if I couldn’t have you, then nobody will. I shall lock you somewhere, under the sea and beneath the sand, where your little soul mate will never find you.
- Let me go, moon! I promised to return to him!
Too late… I never thought the dark could hurt. Its mistery always fascinated me. But now… My eyes were crying for the glamour of a ray of light, and my heart, my heart was hurting, was feeling. For all my life, my heart had been hiding, but now my hurt was crying out loud.
- Please, dear heart, stop crying, you’re making me sad. Wasn’t dark everything that we wished for? Didn’t we implore the night to make us her slaves? What are you crying for?
- You don’t get it, do you? weeped my heart. You gave me away, I am not yours anymore.
- What do you mean?
- You fell in love. I’m his now. And I’m gonna have to leave now. I have to get to him, and tell him what happened.
- But, dear heart, will he get your words? For that, he must love me back. Does he love me back, dear heart, does he?
After hours and hours of waiting in the dark, that question was still on my lips. Alone under the sea, without my heart, I started wondering if love was worth all these.
- Nothing before made my heart talk to me, so it must be worth it.
After hours and hours, I felt desperate. Why wasn’t my heart coming back to me. He must not get her, that’s why. He must not love me… I started shivering. That couldn’t be, life can’t be that cruel. No, I trust my heart. She wouldn’t just go after anyone. He loves me and he will save me.
In that very instant, the earth surrounding me started shocking. I heard a long, painful scream and a dim ray of light erupped into the room. And then, I saw him. He had come to save me! But he wasn’t alone! The sun was with him, spreading the light everywhere and defeating the dark. The moon was the one screaming!

Two brown eyes glittering in the sunshine. Nothing but the easy breeze of the sea. It was just us and the waves. The yellow sand was glowing between our fingers.
- It took us some time before we were able to come and save you. We needed you to trust us, to send us a positive thought. That’s what defeated the evil moon.
- I feel my heart beating in my chest, but it won’t talk to me anymore. Why?
- We are but normal humans. We gave away our immortal spirits. Hearts don’t usually talk to people.

Nothing will ever make my heart talk to me again, but now I know it is worth it.”
- by… my angel

My Angel, My Saint

“My life, my love, my heart, my all.”
Nici nu stiu cate luni aveam impreuna cand ai scris asta. Se vede cat iubesti engleza, pornesti cu atat de mult suflet…
Eu. Tu. Eu. Tu. Eu. Tu. Eu. Tu. Asa a fost, pana la un punct, viata fiecaruia.
Noi. Noi. Noi. Noi. Noi. Noi. Noi. Noi…
[...]
… Noi. Noi. Noi. Asa e, de pe 23.03.05 incoace. Eu si tu am devenit noi.

This is me. Unarmed. Revealed. Unrestrained. In front of you…
Always and forever I will be yours, always and forever I am with you. You are my angel. My saint. My everything. And, God knows, for what you’ve made me be, for how big a part of my life you have become since we met, and how you become a bigger and bigger and bigger part with each second, I will love you forever. You are my life, already, and yet we’ve got just a bit over 2 years together now…
And I’m born inside of you. I’m born with you. You are my absolute beauty. My shiny angel, the one that brings me light. The one that brings me to life!
The one that makes me happy!
The one!!!

I wish, of course, I’d take back all the stupid things I’ve ever done. I wish, of course, I’d never had hurt you. I wish, of course, I’d be perfect for you, and you’d be proud of me and say “you are my angel, too”, or something. I wish I was more, everyday, and yet I know, deep down, that I could never be as much as you… I simply couldn’t. I sit up from this screen and yell: I LOVE U. I LOVE U! I! LOVE! U! And you hear me, and you feel me, of course! You’re standing right beside me, aren’t you? Ah, you’re such a cheater! Such a cheater!!! Always by my side…

I forgot to make them when it was time, but I hope it’s not too late now. So, here’s my 2007 (New Year’s) resolutions:
I will care for you, always and forever.
I will fight for you, always and forever.
I will be there when you’re in need, always and forever.
I will be happy when you’re happy, always and forever.
I will give my life for you if I have to, you know…
I will see my mistakes and see how silly I am, and show you all of me, all the time.
I will never lie to you.
I will never tell you something I don’t mean (starting with this, which I really mean!:D).
All in all, I will love you. I will love you like you were my life… cause, guess what? YOU ARE!

You are an angel…

I Can’t Hold My Tears Now
I Can’t Hold Them Back
Maybe She’ll Come Back
Come Back To Me

Those Beautiful Eyes
Those Beautiful Smiles
They’re Like Sugar And Honey
I Was Wrong She Was Right
You Are An Angel
You Are An Angel

Chorus:
If You See, Angels Flying
Wave Goodbye
If You See, Angels Flying
Wave Goodbye

Can’t Hold My Tears Back
We’re Too Far Apart
Maybe She’ll Come Back
Come Back To Me

Those Beautiful Eyes
Those Beautiful Smiles
They’re Like Sugar And Honey
I Was Lost Now I’m Found
Please Forgive Me
You Are An Angel

Chorus:
If You See, Angels Flying
Wave Goodbye
If You See, Angels Flying
Wave Goodbye

Those Beautiful Eyes
Those Beautiful Smiles
They’re Like Sugar And Honey
I Was Wrong She Was Right
You Are An Angel

This is not a sad song, to me, because you’re not gone. You’re here. You’re the angel, my only angel… But I feel this song, I feel it… because…

I was lost, Now I’m found
You are an angel…

my angel…
my angel…
my love…

I(iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii) will always love you(uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu)

PS: See, even U is bigger than I. How can I possibly be as much as U?!

Silly me

She kneeled in front of her fears. She sat on the cold sand, realizing she had been running from herself.

-         Why? Why? She started crying

-         Because you don’t know who you are….a voice said.

She turned around and fainted at the site…

 

Was she really flying? No, wait, the wind was carrying her! Yes, she was on a small, white cloud. Where was it taking her? She couldn’t say where she was or for how long she had been moving like that. They seemed to pass continents, seas and mountains.

-         Where are we going? She yelled, but no one answered.

Then, the cloud disspeared from underneath her, and she started falling. But amazingly, she didn’t feel scared. She knew she wouldn’t hit the ground. Something else scared her: Where am I?

Finally, she spotted a small city underneath. This can’t be!

Yes, it was really her home city!

-         God, I haven’t been here for ages! I wonder how things are around here right now!

She started walking down the street. Things looked just the way she had left them, 15 years ago. She passed the people she used to know, but they didn’t seem to recognize her at all. Somehow, her steps took her to a small, white and green house.

-         Wait a minute, this can’t be! They sold the house, it must have looked different by now! But still, that’s my bike, and the swing,and…no, no, this can’t be! She was looking at a puppy, white and brown, so small that he was almost impossible to spot. What is this? No! Manny, no! I barried you 5 years ago! Manny, you died! She entered the yard, and headed towards the small dog. But he didn’t seem to recognize her either, as he started barking!

She was trembling. She could barely walk.Easily, she approached the house and entered. She could hear screamings from inside. A men and a women were yelling downstairs, while a girl, she must have been around 15, was sitting on the stairs.

She looked at her almost petrified. She understood now, but how was this possible?

-         Why are you here now? The girl asked her. Why weren’t you here when you should have been?

-         What do you mean? She didn’t understand anything anymore.

-         They are arguing because of you, they will brake up, you will run away from home, and your poor mother will kill herself.

-         Who are you? Cathy tried to make her voice not seem desperate.

-         I am you, 15 years ago, only I know who I am. Do you know who you are?

Her look had remorsely any life left in it. If she knew herself! Of course she didn’t! She had ran away from home when she was 15, because her widow mother wanted to marry a new man she couldn’t stand. Who could ever replace her dad? She loved him so much! He was her best friend, he always told her to be careful at everything around her: “You can’t live on your own, you are not the only one around! But before you start exploring the world, make sure you know yourself, or else you will get caught up in the middle and you will lose controll!”. She was 11 when he died. He was an engineer, and died falling down from an electricity pillar, while trying to fix some wires. She was big enough to understand the tragedy. But then, 2 years later, her mother found someone else, and soon, they started talking about marriage. She tried her best to make the guy lose interest in the idea, but she lost track of it, and once she faked some photos figuring him, kissing someone else than her mother. She e-mailed the photos to her mum, anonymously of course, and that’s how the scandal started. The 2 broke up, but her mother was not the same anymore. She didn’t even notice the girl around the house anymore, so the girl couldn’t take it anymore and ran away from home.

But now she was here again. But why?
      -    Why I am here? She asked the girl on the stairs. What am I doing here?

-         Didn’t you want to be here again?

-         Me… I..

-         Didn’t you want to know yourself? Here I am! I am your inner self!

-         I don’t understand!

-         I brought you here with a purpose! I am trying to fight with you, trying to make you understanf your mistakes! I brought you here today hoping you will fix things up!

-         But I… this can’t happen! She was a pshychologist now. And she could almost see, flashing before her eyes, all the times she tried to make people listen to their inner selves. She chose this job hoping it would help her learn more about herself. But all she did wa realize how far away from herself she was, how hard it was for her to talk about herself. I don’t know me, so I don’t know you! So, how could I understand why I am here? She yelled at the girl that threw her a nervous glance.

-         My dear, everybody knoes who they are, one way or another! It’s all in you, waiting for you to open a door!

She thought that the girl’s voice sounded like an old man’s, tired and trembling, but still warm, and willing to teach her all it could. Was her inner-selg getting old?

-         Yes, I am, the girl answered. You tried to hide me somewhere inside of you for so long, that I got tired from trying to keep myseld up! I can’t keep on hearing weary thoughts, listening to your feares and screamings, I need a smile!

She was confused. A smile? How could she smile? She dedicated her life to other people, and making them feel better made her happy, but how could she smile? All she always wanted was to be constantly surrounded by people, always in big groups, where gossips could distract her attention. She feared loneliness. When she was alone, all her thoughts come back to her, memories of her past, and no matter how hard she tried to get rid of them, they always came back. But even when going out with those she called her friends, she was still alone. She didn’t want them to know her, all she wanted was for them to keep her mind busy. How could she smile?

-         What do I have to do? Her voice sounded like an echo inside her mind.

The noise of a glass breaking in the living room seemed to wake her up. And, suddenly, she knew; she reaise her glace, wanting to tell the girl she had understood, but the girl wasn’t there anymore.

With nothing else on her mind, she entered the living room, when the 2 adults stopped when they saw her. For a second, her face froze. She didn’t know how to explain that she was their girl, only 15 years later. But then she realized she wasn’t 30 anymore, she was 15 again. It was all coming back, her own self had given her another chance.

-         I did it, I did it! She started yelling. And with tears in her eyes she explained them everything about the photos. The 2 listened to her, and then her mother hugged her. And she smiled…..

 

She was getting back on her senses. She could sense the salty wind blowing her hair, and the sand underneath her. She opened her eyes and saw her father lookinh at her with a satisfied smile upon her face.

-         I did it, dad, I did it! I cleared things up, they are happy now!

-         Who are you, sweety?

-         I am me, dad, the young girl on the stairs!

The wind started blowing powerfully, and she got sand in her eyes. When she opened them again, her father was gone. But she didn’t look for him, she knew she wouldn’t find him.

She got up on her feet, and decided to take her life from the very beginning all over again.

-         Only this time, I won’t run at all, she said to herself.

Just another story, about another seagull

Flapping his wings, flying high…wish I were a seagull…where is the dark sea now, to take me in its kingdom? I wanna swim, I wanna fly, I want….

But the seagull flew away…

Soft sand…bitter colg breeze…raindrops on a seagull’s feathers. I look up at the sky…is that the seagull crying?

Trapped in this land of peace….The air si frozen now, the waves hurt my eyes…

And the seagull flew away…

Rocks in the middle of the sea…no sound, nothing is moving…Wish I xould breath inside this seagull’s body.. Surrendered by loneliness…Why am I here?

It looks as if all froze…the seagull turns his head…There’s my friend, the sun! Please, don’t go away, not you! You can beat the sunset! Stay with me!

It looked at a flap of wing’s distance…the seagull flew..

Where are you going?

It’s getting dark now…the sunset is almost over….and the seagull is still flying towards the dying sun…Wish I could be the horizon…But the shadows are taking over, and the seagull disspears into the sea….

He wanted the sea, but the sea got him…

Why running for the sun, when we could open our eyes and see it was right here?

Rhetorical

I walk out of the house, wind blowing my hair… Where do I belong?
The sky isn’t calling for me anymore, I have nowhere to go to… I start running barefooted on the alley, thinking of nothing… No tear will touch my cheeks tonight….
The wind grows stronger and stronger and the darkness sorrounds me… Where are u taking me?I shout, but it is in vain…. No one can hear you now!my heart says… You are all alone now…
Thoughts rushing through my head…. memories that are not part of me… Who am I? Who are you?… Go away from me! Leave me alone! My soul is haunting me now, asking for forgiveness! Somebody come and rise me up to my feet, I can’t stand up anymore! Help me! Pitty me, spit on me, but give me your hand! Just let me hold it between my fingers, hold it to my lips…. You are always so warm, so close…. even when you exist in a world I don’t belong to… but where do I belong?
The wind will take me there… will guide my steps…. Since when have you become my friend? Why won’t you leave me alone? Why can’t I be alone?
Alone in the street…shouting at the world… I can almost feel the anger rising up…but then, the feeling of desperation takes over…why are you so keen on controlling me? Who am I?
My feet are running again….but I ain’t going anywhere…not anymore… I’m staying right here… Where are you?
My journey is over… I have reached the apex… There’s the storm.